"Your face is fat!" - Really mean things I say to myself - #1

Well, I suppose I should start by acknowledging that yesterday was Christmas.

Yesterday was Christmas.

Christmas is dunzo.

There, that's done.

Moving on.

I couldn't help but notice that every time I look in the mirror I see fat face. These giant bulbous, fleshy, Santa Clause looking cheeks. I dislike them very much and I say to myself, "Your face is fat!" Then I go on about my day.

I've tried everything to make my cheeks deflate. Starvation. Exercise. Drugs. Masks. Cheek-o-suction. Nothing works.

The other day I was on a run. People were looking at me. I was waving at them and smiling, saying, "Happy Holidays." I was feeling good.

But then I paused to look at my reflection in a storefront. I was sweaty, I was panting, my cheeks were bright red. I looked like a rabid Baboon on the streets of Orange County. Those were not people wishing me hello. Those were people concerned about me.

Me, this frumpy, chubby, red cheeked man, stumbling down the street. I wasn't even running. I was stumbling. I'm not even sure if I know how to run. I blame it all on my fat face. Damn these cheeks.

A bit of advice, when running, try not to look at your reflection in windows. Especially storefront and car windows. People can tell what you're doing, you vain, narcissistic creature. At best you look like an escaped zoo animal.

I know I'm not the only person who has these kind of thoughts about themselves. Why can't I say something nice about my cheeks when I see their ghastly reflection? Like, "Oh. Hello there friendly cheeks." That's not a terrible thing to say. Who knew self acceptance was so hard?


This is what I look like at the end of a run.